Thursday, December 23, 2010
real world’s bittersweet. one is going to experience plenty of bitterness on the early stage of life, before learning from the mistakes and to go through [future] balanced bitter & sweetness
Good career & academic achievement DON’T impress me if your attitude shows the otherwise. daily nagging & being fickle over trivial issues? WHOAT?
bitching& nagging is different. nag with bitchiness served on a witty full platter? i will bow down to you. if not, go nag in a private blog
if you’re going mellow, i say its natural. if you bitch from times to times, i say its humanly. if you nag and do nothing about it ALL THE TIME, its WHATEVA.
in between sadness/tendency to depression/daily mind fucks and outsiders’ perceptions, there’s freedom of thoughts.
one can be sad, suppressing major problems with camouflaged positivity or talk about it. some will empathize. some will point fingers. unfair as it may seems, i believe them incoming different responses/judgment, depends on the doer’s state of mind & how its being expressed.
just like suicidal thoughts. some thought they have it but able to fight it. some thought they have it but don’t really have it. some struggle hard to stay alive.
hmm.. struggling and still going on staying alive suiciders VS thinking-they-have-it at one point but not really suiciders. who’s judging who until it comes & slaps one hard, now? :)
not many grasp the idea of fighting inevitable killing thoughts. how suffocated one is, surrounded by moving & closing walls from all directions. your body’s trembling and shaking even after gulping daily dosage of anti anxiety-attack pills.
decision to commit/attempt to commit suicide. its not a joke. its not merely ‘oh, am sick of this world’. there’s subconcious mental mindfuck.
IF you must judge, judge inside your head. don’t condemn. period. :)
Friday, November 5, 2010
I am in one for now.
In pain, yes.
Longing for more, yes.
Uncertain of current condition; let alone the progress, YES.
we are only humans.
We have ambitions sometimes.
even for things we can't have.
For things we think we can't have but might have chances in having.
Humans. That's all we are and that's what we do.
Merapi... Mentawai... Wasior...
may your problems resolve soon.
Generous volunteers in all sorts of forms and ways, I salute you!
President flying to DIY for Merapi, i'm praying for the best of your response(s).
DPR members not giving a damn and going on 'study banding', 'naik haji dgn keluarga masing2', may you come to your senses.
FPI, may you rot in hell for giving Islamic a bad name.
People pointing and shouting and going judgmental in a sour bitter way against the others, shush and do something. Shut up. Pray. Donate if you could.
Be well, Indonesia :')
Saturday, October 23, 2010
three weeks after.
incoming tensions and dramas decide to start another saga.
come what may.
nobody is against nobody.
nobody is going to respond to intangibly demented conflicts
nobody is willing to be sucked down to that hole of negativity
battles, we call them.
one-sided weapons, we call them.
another one-sided silent armors, we increase them
calm and rationalized, we gunna make it.
emotional baggage punchbag demand to satisfy your thrist to vent?
oh, its no longer available here.
try someplace else.
Monday, October 11, 2010
THE high-pride maintenance spiraled down to that blackhole. hitting below rock bottom.
melted-ice exploded with drama.
extreme-fireball erupted with unbearable anger.
if there’s any fireworks no body would even wanna glance, this is it, then.
numb heart. is this denial? reflexive blockage to coat the soul from pain?
or is this… revelation? eye-opening nonsensical scenarios to catalyze IMMEDIATE stroll. to move forward. and never look back.
Let’s go teary for a while. check that reflection, not from the mirror.
then… lets smile and laugh harder. gotta be genuine, no less.
the ice thanks you, you, you, you, and you for the prep boosting chats. heart sure turns cold, once again. fortunately, love for passionate friendship grows.
the ice has gone back to freeze self.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
- him: oh, so you don't like aerobics?
- her: my brain sucks at interpreting body movements, then sending it back to muscle joints for synchronization. Wanna like it but i couldn't. So.. i gave up and find alternative way to do another activity that's just as benefiting.
- him: and what would that be?
- her: dancing at the clubs. sure, doing it at home with the same genre of music might work as well but one tends to dance longer/crazier at some dancefloor, hence, burning more calories.
- him: THERE YOU GO. you don't like to be told what to do. your brain reacts and find another way to do it, the way you prefer and LIKE doing it.
- her: i suppose so?
- him: and you love maths, eh?
- her: i freaking love maths.
- him: that's because mathematics has only one definite 'logical' answer, explained by numbers and not alphabets. no rephrasing. nothing. ONE and that's all.
- her: And???
- him: it's inter related. when you understand the logic behind mathematics, and everyone in the world could only give the same answer. your brain accepts it. adapts to it. but, as for aerobics... moving bodies to sweat it out and get healthy with one to eight steps could be done many other ways. and your brain just rejects it because you could DIY.
- her: are you trying to say, this is applicable to everyone?
- him: not everyone. some are different. their brains are more tolerant in accepting different kinda theories etc. and by being less tolerant, it doesn't mean one's brain is less than the tolerant(s). YOU are just different.
- her: :) I will never mind being different as long as this trait of me still sum up to who i am.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
She let him lie his way back in, while smiling foolishly.
Occasional self-cursing for blinking an eye away. way too long.
For being off-guard when she was well aware and was being on-guard when it happened.
Being isn’t final choosing
Hasn’t been foolish for quite some time.
Until, just right about that hour when..
state o mind:
A fool for you - the falling
Monday, September 27, 2010
‘to be the one you WANT me to be’ isn’t changing who I am to be someone else for the sake of pleasing another. it’s letting certain sides of me to revive. more. often.
i could be shy. i could be sweet. i could try to be funny. i could be sarcastic. i could be mean and bitter-full. i could be nonchalant. i could be powerless. i could be… wanting to give in.
i don’t initiate.
UNTIL… you start bringing it in… to the equation.
then i will respond in accordance to you.
it’s that simple.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
in the end. it would be me back to being sweet & predictable like i used to. and a significant someone decently half-decent that’s worth it
maybe not too predictable. for i hop around. that predictable randomization isn’t really predictable.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Pride vs Pride.
Suppressed emotions vs Suppressed emotions.
Adjourning someplace better seems …. miraculous.
Let us miss each other without telling one another. (via treespotter)
Let us wonder everynow and then what’s on each other’s minds and do none.
Let us digress and distract our brains with other things/tasks.
Let us try to walk forward in search of clear sunshine.
Sunshine doesn’t necessarily mean U and S together.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
when you can be you.
a mask-free me, with
present fragility written all over.
is that sinful? intolerable mistake?
or does that just make me a real human with flaws and lil strengths here & there?
don’t read me if you dont want to…
don’t bother analyzing me when you think less of me.
for i aint no fairy tales princess with sedated, robotic scenarios and full time optimism.
i am REAL. i am bitter sweet.
and currently, yes, im having many bitter moments but i don’t mind that. just don’t attack and expect more of me.
for i myself do not even expect more of me.
i could/would only strive to be the best of me. and sometimes i could be the best of me. and at certain mellow period, i can’t.
thats the ugly truth. and i’m not one to deny incoming, overwhelming emotions.
Monday, August 23, 2010
i think…its about time i open that one box hidden deep inside the closet. its been several years, anyway.
i love love love HIMYM series. but.. season 2. episode 1 and 2… mind HAD been forced to block and keep it hidden inside the box.
pre-premiere torrent downloads and dvd conversion. surprise midnight self-made brownies. french redwine. 2 episodes. 1 sofa. shared.
significant first date. all customized for the girl’s likings. then, within few blinks. twisted lane haunted. a stupid ferry ride to macau.
several blinks after. still the same sofa. two distorted minds. how very ungentleman farewell bidded. a stranded girl lost in HK. broken.
and the girl thanks the universe today. broken soul nomore. can’t be fucked by dude’s existence, either. Box, you’re open. and empty now. =)
THIS, is to remind me another peace with the mind has been dealt
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
again. and again.
vague apology and then being nonchalantly oblivious of what triggered the fucked-up moment in the past. yeah, in addition to them comforting justified words.
similar jaded scenarios.
for one is naturally forward, willingly resort to head whichever ways after being told of what’s expected or whatnot.
and then, for one to be one playing another card. flexiible attempts towards almost anything and everything *be it specific or in between* [nuff said]
to taunt and to tease.
aim to please.
amidst experimental phase.
heaven and hell, make sure they’re bisected to the base.
who’s denying the ultimate catalyst is no-question still THE booze.
while voluntary dreams are still invited to my doze
just before us all stuck in between crazey froze
come lets mass-rebel against alarms’ snooze
- vylette. WineBlabbering.
Monday, August 9, 2010
looking beyond physical floral.
undressing everything coral.
occasional impulsive frontal.
smelling nothing but fatal.
steady flowing and can’t be fucked much of the twisted spiral.